“Mommy, can you please give me some food?”

He screams into the air.

Tears stream.
He sits on the edge of the bed.

“I’m starving. I haven’t had anything to eat!”

 

He is paralyzed. He can’t get off the bed.

He can’t face the prospect of going downstairs by himself.

At night.

 

“I have dreams of getting killed. I can’t do it.”

“Please, Mommy, get me some food.”

 

He bargains.

He pleads.

“Please, Mommy, get me a granola bar.”

 

I sit against the wall.

Recording the conversation on the iPad on my lap.

Encouraging him to venture downstairs.

Refusing to get up for him.

“Which feeling is more powerful?” I ask.

 

He is relentless.

He is persistent.

The piano tinkles.

There’s a sudden realization that the other brother must be downstairs then.

He pops out of bed and runs down for a snack.

 

I sit and wait.

Peace returns to the room.

“Please, Mommy, can you read Harry Potter now?”

 

It is paralyzing. Fear is paralyzing. I know it. I have my own fears. Will I be a good enough Mommy? Will these boys grow up independent and courageous? Will I forever be alone? I have few paralyzing fears, though there are moments of them – when your car slips on ice, when there’s a new sound in the house at night and you remember you’re the only adult.

 

Yet I sense that our world is troubled by fear of late. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the different. Fear of the random and sudden violence. Fear of the new. And maybe this is not a new experience – maybe it is just a resurgence or a cycle of difficult times. Whatever it is, I have noticed and felt it.

 

But we are not to live in fear. “Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord…” (Luke 2:10-11)

 

Advent; the season of waiting.

(I know you’ve been waiting for a post from me. My laptop crashed a few weeks ago and all got off track, but it’s back on again. Maybe I can blame that new puppy somehow; after all, she’s chewing up the carpet and currently destroying Super Tall Guy’s old shoe while I type.)

Advent, a waiting filled with a sense of peace. A confidence of knowing that there is hope.

 

That there is a reason to celebrate. There is light within us. Light for the darkness without.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that; hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.” ~MLK Jr.

 

Let us have Love this Christmas season and hold up the light.

 

Merry Christmas to all.